The non-violent communication model below exists on the basis that every time someone communicates they are expressing a need. If we can learn to listen for others’ needs and express our own needs we can build safe, trusting, effective relationships. 

There are four main components to practice. 

1. Observation without evaluation. Stating what one sees, hears, or remembers. 

2. Naming feelings. Stating emotion or physical sensations. 

3. Expressing or guessing underlying needs. 

4. Making clear requests.  

To put it into practice when expressing yourself you can use this form: 

When I see that______________ or when you ______________ 

I feel ______________

because my need for ________________ is/is not met.

Would you be willing to __________________?

To put it into practice when listening to another you can use this form to repeat back to them what you’ve heard and ensure you’re understanding correctly: 

It sounds like when ______________ 

You feel ______________

because your need for ________________ is/is not met.

Would you like __________________?

Does that sound right?

See this list of feelings and needs in order to fill in the blanks. 

Here are two examples: 

Example 1 Expression: 

Person 1: When I see you on your phone while I’m talking, I feel frustrated because I’m needing to be heard. Would you be willing to put the phone down for 5 minutes and hear my idea? 

Person 2: When you ask me to put my phone down when I’m reading an article that is very important to me I feel anxious because of my need to understand what’s going on in the world. I also feel concerned because of my need for your well-being. Would you be willing to wait 5 minutes while I finish this article so I can give you my full attention?

Example 2 Listening: 

Person 1: I don’t know why you are always mentioning events that happened with your ex-girlfriend when we are out with friends. 

Person 2: It sounds like when I mention events in my past you feel worried that I am thinking about my ex-girlfriend because your need for safety in our relationship is not met. Would you like it if I was more verbally affectionate with you so that you know I care?  

This material is adapted from Marshall Rosenbert’s Non-Violent Communication, a Language of Life. More resources can be found at the Center for NonViolent Communication www.cnvc.org.