A lot of us have been called into social justice work and find ourselves shocked and horrified when we see some of the responses by people in our community to the issues we care about. I’ve collected some tips and resources here to stay leveled and calm and help facilitate conversations that create change and build relationships.

Guidelines for Facilitating Conversations

1. Engage in respectful dialogue, not debate. Our intention is to thoroughly challenge and illuminate our radicalized conditioning together, not hold and argue positions. See the second page of this document, Dialogue and Debate.

2. Increase the level of connection through a direct message, call or meet up.

3. Stay on your own side. Speak in “I” statements. Don’t speak for others or the group. Describe your own experience.

4. Listen deeply with full attention — body, heart and intellect. Avoid distractions and do not engage in side conversations.

5. Agree with yourself to be respectful of each other’s feelings, and our own, and to be respectful of all cultures, races, sexual orientations, gender identities, religions, class backgrounds, age, abilities, and perspectives when speaking.

6. Never openly assume the intentions of another. In this group we will most certainly explore and openly question our motivations, beliefs and behaviors; however, assuming those motivations, beliefs and behaviors only functions to shut down dialogue.

7. Offer advice when directly asked or when the other person’s viewpoint has been fully explored and you are in relational conversation with them.

8. Have a plan for when you get upset or overwhelmed. Remember to pause, breathe, express your emotions in “I” statements and possibly connect with a trusted friend afterwards to debrief.

9. Think about how you came to know and care about the situation you are discussing. What moved you?

10. Not knowing is most intimate. Be open to considering and being changed by all viewpoints and ideas.

11. Success is not changing the other person’s mind or behavior immediately. It is maintaining their willingness to hear your perspective little by little and moving them to action little by little over a long term, connected conversation.

Facilitating Dialogue Instead of Debate

Be collaborative: view yourselves as multiple sides work toward shared understanding.

Instead of oppositional: two opposing sides try to prove each other wrong.

Listen to understand, to make meaning, and to find common ground.

Instead of listening to find flaws, to spot differences, and to counter arguments.

Enlarge and possibly change your point of view.

Instead of affirming your point of view.

Reveal your assumptions for examination and re-evaluation.

Instead of defending assumptions as truth.

Create an open-minded attitude: an openness to being wrong and an openness to change.

Instead of a close-minded attitude, a determination to be right.

Submit your best thinking, expecting that other’s reflections will help improve it rather than threaten it.

Instead of defending it against challenge to show that it is right.

Temporarily suspending your beliefs.

Instead of investing wholeheartedly in your beliefs.

Searches for strengths in all positions.

Instead of searching for weaknesses in the other position.

Respect the other participants and seek not to alienate or offend.

Instead of rebuking contrary positions, belittling or deprecating other participants.

Assume that many people have pieces of answers and cooperation can lead to a greater understanding.

Instead of assuming a single right answer that somebody already has.

Remains open-ended…

Instead of demanding a conclusion.

Many versions of the above section are widely circulated in conflict resolution communities. This version came to me by way of Fire Lotus Temple.

Examples

Calling people in about police brutality.

The examples, as well as some of the language from the guidelines come from the ‘Showing up for Racial Justice Toolkit’.